I don’t mean that as a Cliché. When you read that, don’t think, “New year, new me”; because that’s not what I am saying at all. This time last year so much had happened to me that I couldn’t comprehend it. I was stuck in a position where I couldn’t learn or grow from all the disasters that were made. Everyone around me was telling me that I was going to be okay, or that I needed to find peace, I just couldn’t.
This time last year, I had been thrown out of my home twice, assaulted, gained thirty pounds, and found no motivation to get help. Only once in my life did I ever feel so low as I did in that moment. I was sixteen years old, and my friend Hannah was telling me, “If you can’t help yourself, then nobody can help you.” Little did I know that four years later her and her family would be helping me get on my feet again. Upon moving in with her family, her parents were able to give me some sort of hope. I was considering dropping out, and was struggling to find a job. It was her parents, and a man who works at the community college, that sat me down and was able to persuade me otherwise. With their help and a few honorable mentions, within two months of being in their home, I was going back to therapy, and trying to work out whatever mess it was that I needed to work out.
A year ago, I had zero boundaries, I struggled with decision making. For the past two years, I was involved with a toxic relationship. Many of my friends would say it was more than toxic, it was abusive. However, I believe, to this day, that I was not healthy for him, just as he was not healthy for me. When we finally ended things, moving on was a whole new chapter. I went from always being in a relationship to finally being alone. I had no idea who I was without someone else telling me who I was.
Therapy started to show me who I could become if I just let go, and had a ‘redo’. Which is exactly what I did in May of 2017. All of that hate was released following the weekend of Easter. I had been so obsessed with always trying to make things right, that I couldn’t let myself see that the things that happened are just exactly that. My family, has struggled with the fact that I changed my name. My response to them has always been, “I changed my name, because I vowed to make myself come first. I changed my name, because I had so much hate in my life, that I needed to be able to let go. By changing my name, I have let go. I see the bigger picture and I see that there can be so much room to grow, if it’s allowed.”
When I say, “where I was a year ago, is not where I am today” it’s because I truly believe that. My first year in college, I was able to feel emotions I had never felt before. I was able to accomplish things I never thought I would ever do. I stopped being apologetic for things I no longer felt the need to feel sorry for, and I stopped validating my actions. I decided to not think twice, and just go with my first gut instinct. For the first time, I finally felt what it meant to be confident, sexy and beautiful. I don’t say anything to feel pity, because I am proud of who I am, and who I was. To want pity would mean that I would loathe, or find what has happened to me to be discouraging. In the past year, I have had so many great people come into my life and show me what it means to be family, and to be friends. I have changed for the better, and that’s all I could ever ask of myself.
P.S: Among the many moral changes, I also stopped wearing bras and I will never put on something so tight and wired ever again.